This post is inspired by the Fleetwood Mac Song, Landslide. The real meaning behind Fleetwood Mac’s emotionally charged song was hotly debated since its 1975 release. “Landslide is about the fear of everything coming crashing down and not knowing how you’re going to hold things together in pursuit of a dream” – Stevie Nicks. Stevie sings about the navigation of the difficulties of her relationships and how it intertwines with her career. She asks, “Can the child in my heart rise above.. can I handle the seasons of my life?” I felt that. I find myself wondering too. It rains, it pours, it’s sunny, it won’t always be sunny. So why do I tend to stay down longer when it rains?
I have not been well the whole of 2022. Travelling a few days in Europe was a welcome distraction. It quickly faded as I made the final move towards shutting down my business in Kenya. That has been messy so far. I have wasted so much time, money, resources, trying to hold on to a dream and career I once held dear. And it still hurts. I have been fighting hard to make it hurt less but it hurts. I really tried to hold it together, to have it all. I have blamed everyone but myself. Then I have blamed only myself and not anyone else. I did not want things to change too much. Everyone had their opinion on what they thought it was best for me to do. I met someone, a sweet-mouthed potential investor, who I hinged my hope on for a little bit, but he ended up dragging me further down. Maybe one day I’ll be those people on LinkedIn who give advice, but right now it just hurts. I have gone through the 5 stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, now I’m at acceptance. Did you know, acceptance also hurts a frigging ton?!
Changes. They’re inevitable and hard. Everyone expects you to move on fast. Because truly life waits for no one. Wallow if you may, but get up again. Take your Ls and get on the next train before you miss it.. because sis, the next train towards your destination arrives in 16 months. I swallowed all the antidepressants and anti-emotions pills I could find, for as long as I could take it, but they only served to numb me and weigh me down with the hard emotions. Now I have stopped taking them, I have some clarity in my mind, but it still hurts often. I am not in need of sympathy or empathy or validation, or money, or a massage, when I express these feelings. I am not dwelling on the why, or how it could have been. It just hurts. Everything hurts on most days of the week.
I know I tend to dwell on why it’s hard for me, but I have learnt that it is also hard for everyone. They are just better at acting like it’s not. Admittedly I cry a lot more than the average person when I hurt, but we all hurt the same. I’m working on my resilience now. This year was a test of my resilience, my ability to handle challenges, and so far, I think I’m doing okay.
I was tempted to hide away, not show vulnerability and lock my feelings away like I see so many people do… Because if I act like it hurts..if I show my weakness, if I’m crying any longer, I’ll be looked down upon. I’m not the first person to start and fail at a business. Even twice. They’ll think it was a bigger failure than it was… They’ll see I didn’t have what it takes. Like I was playing house.. Like I didn’t belong there in the first place.. being a woman, thinking about what people normally think of women failing at business.. like it was okay to fail because it’s okay not to dream big in the first place..
I have tried to handle things the way I thought I should.. my way isn’t exactly easy too….being vulnerable is not easy… So I ran in the opposite direction… I did the autopilot thing. Living each day without too much thought. Hiding from any thoughts. If I say I’m fine long enough maybe I’ll start to believe it. Drowning myself in distractions while trying to act like I must come out with the next big thing soon…afterall I don’t want to be…weak. But hey, it was a big deal for me. And I will let this hurt just, be.
I have now given myself the permission to use my words as freely as they flow. I heal quicker when I am most vulnerable. I can see a new journey charting itself before me. I am going to go with the flow again. But also be in control. I have been stupidly going with the flow for long enough, and I know why, and I forgive myself for it, or at least I’m trying to. It was not like I knew how to be in control, living as I had all these years, I thought I had to go with the flow, only learn how to dodge the worst pitfalls. Because bad stuff will always happen to me, so why fight it..
I’m a 29 year old adult who still harbours the fear and pessimism of the 5 year old girl-child trapped in a situation she couldn’t get out of because she didn’t have the tools to get out of it…
“Time makes you bolder, even children get older, and I’m getting older too”…