This is not what you think it is. I’m celebrating the 3kg I put on in winter, I did not lose any weight. Nor did I attempt to.

I wanted to put on weight for a while now. The main reason? Just for the fun of it. I was curious to know what is my body capable of. Would I berate myself if I looked in the mirror and saw a different person? I guess you could say my self-love got stronger, and as the troublesome person I was, I wanted to push the limits, but in a controlled way. Hence during winter.

The second reason was that I was tired of quitting the gym month after month. Cardio made me lose weight, strength training made my body ache, and that’s not the point of working out is it. I clearly wasn’t eating well. I looked fit, BMI was fine, but I knew deep down I wasn’t as healthy as I could be. Not the way I wanted. An obese person is probably getting more use of their body than I do. And for some, at least they get to enjoy food! I wasn’t enjoying food because I was used to counting calories. I was basically malnourished at the size I was on.  

So I stopped going to the gym and instead did yoga.

For the last 3 months, I didn’t watch what I was eating, I wasn’t conscious of calories, and I had an ice cream cone every other night (read 6 nights a week). Save ice cream, I don’t have a sweet tooth, I have teeth that get angry when I eat crisps or cookies, so my mouth is my number one gatekeeper. 

I did try to eat more proteins, fiber and fruits. I aimed for two meals a day minimum and snacked often. Some days I still forget to eat or my appetite just goes on vacation. Eventually, I could eat 3 slices of bread, then 4. My stomach is so painfully small, I cry inside when I see an adult size portion of food, even those restaurant capitalist portions, and I cannot clear my plate. I’ve been complimented for it by weight watchers, but for me it left me feeling unfulfilled that my body can’t ingest what my sight enjoyed.

I picked winter because I could be under the protection of sweaters and layers if the fat settles in unexpected places. It didn’t though.

So far I gained 3kg in 3 months. I expected more though. My clothing size hasn’t changed but things feel snug and I love it so much! I feel more emotionally balanced, partly due to healing work, but I know my hormones thank me for feeding well. Women can be so cranky because they lack nutrients. I don’t want to be one of those. I’m proud to announce I now sport a nice likkle tummy fold that I am very very proud of. Proud. I feel like a queen.

Vanity metrics? My waist line is not as curvy as the usual curve on the side. That small C that gives the illusion of a wide thighs. That gets into my head when I stare into the mirror for too long. I catch myself sucking in my belly often.

Lord knows if I decide to get pregnant today, I don’t want to be shocked by a postpartum body… No one is in charge of picking their postpartum body, and on top of everything I don’t want to start doing any mantras and fighting postpartum depression because I’m not used to seeing my body change. Let it change now. Let’s scatter everything. The curve may come back soon, or later or not. But let me tell you something about fashion I’ve learned over the years.

So may times people have things that they want to change about their bodies. Self-love isn’t a flip you can switch that allows you accept that part of you. But you can fake it till you make it. Play the game you are already a part of. If you want to. Find a feature on your body you’re most proud of, and lean heavy on it. Be the girl with the nice cleavage. Or the long legs. Fresh legs? Or dimples? Distract us with your nice long fingers. You don’t have to wear a straight polyester bodycon dress if you don’t have a tummy you are proud to show off. You also don’t have to cinch yourself into a waist trainer to give the illusion of curves. Satin is one beautiful fabric that lets none of that matter. Those ruched styles? Tummy pouches look empowering somehow in those things. Skater skirts? Peplum tops? Dress like a rich Lagos auntie all the time if you want.

Have broad shoulders you want to balance out? Skater skirts, flared or palazzo pants are for you. Wanna go to the beach? Do you absolutely have to wear 2-piece clothing? Monokinis that pack your body sexily exist. Or wear a full body suit, or swim shorts. You would never catch me in those tong bikini things even if I had the body for it, but some people use that as their weight loss goal. The society’s standards of beauty and hotness is an age long battle, as feminists are still on the issue, maybe in our lifetime it’ll calm down considerably. Till then, lean into fashion to express the confidence, style, and beauty you posses.

After seeing “Love to Hate you” (k-drama), I fell in love with the idea of being physically strong, I obviously won’t start training for any black belt LOL but I dream of being able to throw punches at anyone that annoys me in the future. Man or woman. I want to deck someone at least once, before I die. Minimum of once. I do not support violence. But I am my own karma. So weight lifting is priority for me. Might even play around and get a personal trainer. Recommend one! Or what to look out for.

I expected to add more weight though. But I’ll see what happens as I start back at the gym, I hope my appetite keeps going up. 

Anyway, that’s the end of the unsolicited insight into my journey with my body. 

I have enjoyed this series on body positivity, and I’ll move on to another topic, but I’ll continue to share unsolicited updates of course.

I hope you get to enjoy and make full use of your body like I do now. Life is long, experiment, do and undo, shed societal pressures, and live healthily and happily.

Xx.