It’s been 8 months now. I still have not shared here why I stopped drinking or taking any type of substance really. But I’m sharing happily, that it’s been 8 months now. It’s different, it’s amazing. It is the best form of self care I have given myself so far.

Yes, I still get urges to grab a drink. Drinking is the strongest and easiest urge, then smoking, then several types of highs.

It’s strong when I’m under any type of stress. I miss that feeling of melting that comes as soon as you take a sip. It’s almost instant, you feel the liquid coursing through all your limbs. Almost refreshing.

I hardly get the urge to drink when I’m happy and all is perfect in my head (in my head, not in my life). I get urges that come as a form of habit. I drink wine on self-care days, so when I think of spending 1 hour in the bathroom, I crave a drink. In every situation I have paired with drinking in the past, I still want to drink in those situations even now. It’s like a phantom limb.

So every time I get the urge, I ask myself:

“What is the reason I NEED or YEARN for a drink?” 

A shot will definitely ease this social awkwardness.

A sip will immediately make me feel confident.

A glass will help me go longer on this dance floor.

A drag will help me push down the welling tears in my throat.

So I pause after the urge, and I stay right there, and I seek to get to the bottom of the urge; the feeling I’m trying to mask or hide or chase away. 

The more I try, the more comfortable I am with things going wrong in my life… with not having to fake feelings or actions… I don’t have to be cool when I can remove myself from the situation. I don’t have to be strong or have it all together when I can take all the time I need to be depressed and sad. I don’t have to be at the party till it ends. I don’t have to be the party starter on the days I don’t feel like it. I don’t have to put on a performance or appear mot socially awkward. I can just be the version of myself that has presented itself on that day. I can be rude, tired, cranky, and I can definitely go home.

It has helped greatly that I am more comfortable with the dark. It has also challenged me to spend more time in the dark, but I was familiar with it, so it was not too much of a sudden change. This means if you try to stop a bad habit without therapy or some sort of healing work, you might revert to old patterns of soothing. Habits are there to soothe and help and pass time. Some habits should also be replaced not eliminated.

So I drink Nozzeco, which is lame because it’s just carbonated green tea. I drink ribenna out of wine glasses, just to have the feeling of the glass in my hand and the power of a sip and swish. I drink zero percent alcoholic beers. Which makes me pee a lot but without the buzz. But I’ll still take 3 bottles like a champ. And I drink a lot of flavoured tea like an old British grandma.

It’s not hard being in social settings anymore and answering the question of why I’m not drinking. I stand my ground and say no, not even a sip. It’s usually easy on days I’m preppy. I know there is a deep story to why I’m not drinking, so if they become too persistent I simply tell them the real reason, and I let them sit with the heaviness that descends on their mood while they rethink their lives. They asked for it, I don’t feel like a Debbie Downer at all. But it’s hard on days I’m not preppy though, they know I need a drink to lift my spirits, I. know a drink will lift my spirits, but I’m getting more tired as I say No, and then I really just want to leave.

So I choose my social invitations wisely.

If there’s music though, it’ll be a while before I’m done. Music is all the high I ever need these days.

It’s hard. But I guess you just have to choose which type of hard is beneficial for you at the end of the day. 

I don’t know what alcohol does for you, but if you did not drink anymore, what would it look like for you? 

What will your new personality be like? Would there be a change at all because you never were into drinking? Do you need to drink?

2 responses to “NOT HIGH, NOT ON THE GROUND”

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